16 May

It is upsetting that I slowly begin to remember less details about a certain event in my life.

The first year I live without two parents, I remember clearly every little details about my life: how we celebrate Eid Mubarak and Eid Adha, how we celebrate my Birthday, and everything. But now, in the 10th year It’s hard for me to remember the details. Yes, I do remember what we did, but not the detail: the conversation, the gesture.

It is just upsetting that I begin to forget how he sounded when he spoke. I begin to forget how he looks like in details if I don’t have his picture with me.

I feel guilty.



7 Nov


What can you say about a twenty-five year old girl who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. The Beatles. And me.”

Once when she specifically lumped me with those musical types, I asked her what the order was, and she replied, smiling, ‘Alphabetical.’ At the time I smiled too. But now I sit and wonder whether she was listing me by my first name–in which case I would trail Mozart–or by my last name, in which case I would edge in there between Bach and the Beatles. Either way I don’t come first, which for some stupid reason bothers hell out of me…

When I came across this book at the bookstore, I read the first paragraph above on the back of the book. I decided to buy the book. After I got home, I read the first paragraph of the story, still impressed with the same paragraph that led to that second paragraph above. After finishing the book, I know that this is one of my favorite book.

It’s light, romantic, and deep. Mushy at some places, but smartly done.

Can’t wait to read it again.

Things I never realized before

5 Nov

That I’m really stupid and lazy as shit.

So this is how it feels?

10 Sep

So, this is how it feels? After all this year I’m not in to him anymore 😀 It feels weird and so cool at the same time. Because, you see, I liked him from middle school through college. Finally I can get out of that feeling is just fascinating–and weird.

Although I can’t really pinpoint why I like it.

But it’s definitely a good thing, right? Since I liked him for too long. And it was a one-sided love(?). It’s a good thing that I can finally leave all of that behind and continue straight forward.

This song is used to be be my jam :p

So anyhow, when I met him I don’t feel awkward, I don’t feel my heard raced, I don’t feel a thing. Strangely. I mean, it’s like meeting other friend.

And now, it’s nothing.

I feel great.

And now, it’s time for me to live my life.

What College Has Done To Me?

10 Aug

It’s been quite some time since I use spotify frequently. One of the reason is that I want to listen to bunch of other songs besides the songs I had downloaded. Spotify really does great for me, just one tap and I can listen to different songs.

But recently I have been listening to old songs. Who doesn’t like old songs? The songs that released some years ago and you went crazy for them, when they first came out. Music these days just…. I don’t know, I still enjoy old songs better.


So yeah, it’s Brand New Eyes by Paramore. It was released back in 2009.

When it first came out, I felt so excited. I went to every music store in my city to fet this beautiful CD. Which is great. Super great.

Aside from Paramore, I listened to other bands that I listened to a lot during my school days. Panic At The Disco, My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park, Fall Out Boy, Muse, Avenged Sevenfold, you name it, I think I followed the trend pretty well that time.

They just brought back so many memories. I remember I was studying in my room, in the middle of the night while listening to them; I remember working on my writings, while listening to them also. Day and night like I would never get tired of them.

It’s like unreal. I feel weird. Back then I know what I was doing, I was doing fine, I was enjoying my life back then, but I am not like that anymore. I feel like I’m less happy, not by much but still. I feel like I don’t know who I am. It’s all become blury.

What college has done to me? 😦

But afterall, I hope that if I listen to old songs like this, I will be who I was. Hopefully, I can figure out one thing at a time, just like I used to.

And listen to the songs I really like.

You will never be ready

10 Jun

I lost my dad just 1,5 month before my 13th birthday. I was very young, and I was not ready for that.

I never really thought about left behind by people I love, I just never imagined to live without them. However, it was just happened. Person after person.

When I was in my junior year of high school, I lost a friend. A very dear one, and of course I was not ready, I never knew it coming because she was so young, she even visited me a few days after my birthday that year.

Later that year, my friend’sdad passed away. When I visited her, she was crying to the point that I was worried she might faint. I know I was rude but I never really got it why she cried so hard when she already be with her dad for 17 years. Meanwhile me, it’s barely 13.

When I entered collage, I visited my friend’s house and met her father. Her father told me that his mom passed away when he was still a baby,

And then a year ago, my mom list his dad also. She didn’tcry as much as when my dad passed away, but she did cry.

Before I thought I would be okay if my father left when I’m older, when I have spent so much more time with him. I thought I’d be okay if I never knew my dad at all.

But I don’t think it’s true.

Whenever my dad will be gone, I will never be ready, or I will still always miss him a lot.

Nobody is ready to lost loved ones. Nobody hopes to to be left.



6 Jun

Define what friend is.

People always tell me to make friends as many as I can. While I grow older, I feel like I don’t really have many friends. I know a lot of people, but are they my friend?

Define what friend is.

There is a term called Best Friend. Best Friend supposely the best out of your friends. However, I can’t always relate to that.

If all people that I talked to and close to me are friends, then they are friends of mine, but if they are not necessary are friends, that is who they are.

So, what is friend? How can someone consider someone as a friend? How they consider someone as a best friend?

Well, for me, anyone that who consider me as a friend, they are my friend. Wait, maybe not completely like that,

Let say, I just return what good things they do to me. If they are nice to me, then I will too. I’m just mirroring what they do to me. I think it’s the safest way, because you don’t loose anything for that. I will consider myself as a person who is open for every friendship people offer me, but I am also filtering them, in a way that i don’t even realise how it works. The filtering is just happen like that, without me knowing, it’s my gut, my sixth sense.

Still, this doesn’t answer my question, what is friend?